Pineapples
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It was midnight. Moonbeams shining through the window. I was cutting up a pineapple into tiny, meticulous chunks, very quietly, cautious not to chop too loudly so that I wouldn’t wake anybody up. My stomach lurched when I stepped on a creaky floorboard, and I froze. Silence. Phew. No stirring from the bedrooms. I was exhausted and running on pure adrenaline and coffee fumes. All I wanted was to curl into my bed. But I couldn’t. Not until this damn pineapple was sliced and diced and prepped for tomorrow morning. And how did I get here, exactly? It was my first time hosting a Writing Retreat in Hawaii, and I had grossly underestimated how much effort goes into a successful retreat. I had seven clients at the retreat venue, currently slumbering in their beds. I promised them a week of beaches, waterfalls, rainbows, and exquisite meals. I was determined to come through and deliver on that promise. I booked a spectacular home with a view of the Wailuku River. People audibly gasped when they entered the space. One woman actually squealed like a small animal when she checked into her bedroom with its pale lilac walls and enormous bath tub with spa jets. My clients were enchanted. Everyone was having a marvelous time. Well, everyone except me. Because I had zero experience producing an event, I hadn’t considered the hundreds of details that go into creating a smooth hospitality experience. Somebody has to unload the dishwasher after every meal. Somebody has to run to the store because a guest needs Tylenol, tampons, or gluten-free bread. Somebody has to call the property manager when one guest’s shower mysteriously has no hot water. Somebody has to cut up the pineapple. And at this retreat, that somebody was me. It hadn’t occurred to me that, oh, maybe I ought to get some help. I was handling all of these tasks while simultaneously trying to be a calm and gracious Hawaii mermaid hostess and a phenomenal writing coach, too. And so, I woke up at 5 am to prep for the day ahead. I snuck out to the 24/7 grocery store at 10 pm to stock up on supplies and cut fruit at midnight. By day three of the seven-day retreat, I was sleep-deprived, frazzled, and one pineapple slice away from a nervous breakdown. After that retreat, I vowed to myself, “Never again.” I knew that for future retreats, I couldn’t do it alone and didn’t want to. I promised myself I would hire professionals to help out. A yoga teacher. A retreat assistant. A housekeeper. A chef. And that’s what I did for the next one. And the next. And the next. Bringing others into the project not only made my life easier, it elevated the experience from 3-stars to 5-stars. My guests were even more delighted. The first time I hired a chef, we hadn’t met before, but I’d heard wonderful things about him. “He uses local ingredients,” my friend Kate assured me, “And he’s a really great guy.” That really great guy arrived at the retreat with a platter of homemade hummus dotted with ruby-red pomegranate seeds on top, like sparkling jewels. He brought shrimp, caught fresh that day. Roasted vegetables. Musubi he’d made by hand. He smiled warmly, and I noticed how sturdy and solid he seemed. Capable, grounded, and kind. He’s now my husband and the father of my daughter. And isn’t that just something? Look what happens when we recognize that we need help, seek it out, and welcome it with open arms. Look what happens when we acknowledge, I need a team to bring my vision to life. Look what happens when we refuse to cut pineapples alone at midnight ever again and invite others to be part of the story. I said, “help,” and the Universe said, “I love you.”
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I Quit Social Media 10 Years Ago.
Ten years ago, I deleted all of my social media accounts. Facebook. Instagram. Twitter (now X). Plus a few platforms that no longer exist. (Remember Vine?)
Initially, I never intended to quit social media entirely. It all started with a tiny experiment: a three-month break from social media over the summer. Just a temporary pause.
I told myself, “I will step away for a few months and see how it goes. Will I miss it? Feel disconnected from my friends? Will there be a negative impact on my career? Fewer clients? Lower sales? I don’t know. But there’s only one way to find out. I have to try it and see.”
During my social media sabbatical, I noticed that my mind felt less cluttered. My concentration improved. It felt easier to lock into a focused flow state at work and get big projects done.
I found myself engaging with the world in a different way, noticing the small details around me (light filtering through the trees, the sound of birds, the cool air on my skin) rather than staring down at my phone so much of the time, oblivious to my surroundings. Overall, I felt less distracted and more creative.
When the summer ended, I realized, “I like how this change feels. I don’t have any particular desire to return to social media.”
So, I didn’t.
That was a decade ago.
Since then, I’ve been asked a lot of questions about this choice, including:
- What prompted you to quit social media? (Was there a particular experience that led to this decision?)
- If you don’t use social media, how do you stay connected with colleagues and friends?
- How do you stay on top of the news?
- How do you find clients? Sell spots for your writing retreats? Sell books? (Isn’t building a social media following a ‘must-do’ for entrepreneurs?)
- Do you ever miss it?
- Do you think social media is “bad”?
- Do you think your decision to leave social media has “held back” your career in some way? Would you be more successful today if you had stayed?
- If someone were thinking about changing their relationship with social media (or technology / screen time overall), what are the first steps you’d recommend?
Below, I answer all of these questions.
I hope that hearing my story is interesting and thought-provoking, and that it inspires you to consider what kinds of changes you’d like to make in your own life or career.
- What prompted you to quit social media? (Was there a particular experience that led to this decision?)
It was a variety of factors, not just one.
Mainly, I felt concerned that I was spending an excessive amount of time on social media. Time that might be better spent rolling out my yoga mat, connecting with nature, spending quality time with my loved ones, honing my professional skills, writing my next novel, and so on.
Excessive scrolling was taking a toll on my mental health. I often felt distracted, mentally cluttered, and fatigued, and was having OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) flare-ups. Strong compulsions to do ritualistic behaviors (like checking my front doorknob 20 times in a row to confirm that it was locked, walking to my car, getting in, then returning to the door to check it “just one more time”) which degraded my quality of life and made my world smaller and more limited.
I recall thinking, “I wish I could shampoo my brain and rinse away all the debris that has accumulated over time.” I was craving fresh energy. A reset.
On top of that, I had a series of experiences in my professional life that left me feeling violated and exhausted.
A scammer impersonated me, creating a fake website using my content which they had copy-pasted directly from my site, and photographs of me. I contacted the appropriate authorities and was able to get the fake site taken down.
But then, shortly after that, another scammer pretended to be me, this time using my name and photo to set up a “donation page” for an online fundraiser, raising funds for (what I can only presume was) a fake charity organization. I didn’t even know this was happening until a colleague reached out to ask, “Hey, are you aware of this?” and alerted me to the issue.
To cap it all off, I had also been dealing with a blog reader who exhibited stalker-like behavior, sending me their artwork featuring portraits of me. My gut sensed that something was “off,” but I told myself, “Well, maybe this person is just a big fan of my writing.” Gradually, things escalated, and this individual began searching to find my family members’ and clients’ contact information online, and started emailing them repeatedly. I began to worry about the volume of information about me that was readily available online, and how this might impact my safety and others in my life.
I am not a famous influencer or celebrity, but due to my modest following and presence online, some very unsettling things were happening.
After going through all of this, I needed a break from the Internet.
I wanted to reclaim my privacy and sense of safety. Taking three months off, away from social media, felt like a good start. Three months turned into six, then twelve, then a decade.
Recommended reading: Brain Wash: Detox Your Mind for Clearer Thinking, Deeper Relationships, and Lasting Happiness by David and Austin Perlmutter.
- If you don’t use social media, how do you stay connected with colleagues and friends?
I text and send quick emails to check in with my clients and colleagues periodically.
I love sending audio messages using Voxer. I often send birthday gifts via snail mail.
I put important dates into my calendar, such as a colleague’s book release date, or 10-year business anniversary, to remind myself to reach out and celebrate this milestone with them.
From time to time, I invite one or two colleagues to fly to my hometown for a “work-cation.” Free of charge. I provide accommodation and meals. All they have to do is show up. It’s kinda like a vacation, with long walks, beach time, and hot tubbing at sunset with a mocktail in hand, except we also discuss our professional goals and do some coworking together.
These work-cations provide an opportunity to deepen some of my most important professional relationships … without having to get on a flight and leave home. (Because I live on a remote island and have a toddler, I love when people travel to me.)
In terms of non-work-related friendships, I’m part of a local book club which is always the highlight of my month, and meet up regularly with friends and fellow parents for kids’ playdates, music circle, and story time at the public library. For me, these connections feel more enriching than scrolling and posting.
Recommended reading: Rich Relationships: Create a Million-Dollar Network for Your Business by Selena Soo.
- How do you stay on top of the news?
I read newspapers and listen to podcasts.
I am intentional about seeking out content (podcasts, audiobooks, and beyond) from creators who aren’t “exactly like me” so that I can get glimpses into other realities, identities, and experiences in our world.
I talk to people in my local community (and wider network, including people who live in other states or countries) to find out their actual, lived experiences, so that I’m getting “the news” directly from people who are living through it.
Because I don’t stay on top of the news every day, sometimes, I do miss out on a breaking news story, or find out about something a day or two (or even three) after it has happened. I am okay with this. I believe it’s possible to be an informed citizen, and make a positive contribution to the world, without reading the latest headlines every single day of your life.
Recommended reading: Life As a Daymaker: How to Change the World by Simply Making Someone’s Day by David Wagner.
- How do you find clients? Sell spots for your writing retreats? Sell books?
Great question! I wrote an article on this topic, breaking down exactly how I do it. Enjoy.
Recommended reading: you might also enjoy my article called “20 Ways To Find Clients And Customers Without Using Social Media.”
- Do you ever miss social media?
Nope.
When I decided to step away, I missed the quick dopamine hit that can come from posting and receiving positive comments, likes, hearts, etc. But after a couple of weeks, I didn’t miss it anymore. These days, I rarely think about social media at all.
Recommended reading: The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo.
- Do you think your decision to leave social media has “held back” your career in some way? Would you be more successful today if you had stayed?
This depends on how one defines “success.”
I am proud of the career that I have today. I’ve written and created more than 10 books, journals, and card decks, and get to collaborate with wonderful publishers including Penguin Random House, Chronicle, and Hachette.
A few of my career highlights include Our Q&A a Day: a 3-Year Journal for Couples (part of the bestselling Q&A a Day collection of journals, with over 2.5 million sold), The Bibliophile Oracle Deck (a beautiful illustrated card deck for book lovers), and Awestruck (a journal dedicated to finding tiny moments of awe in your everyday life).
Some of my projects have been very strong sellers. Some have not. But I love each and every product that I’ve ever created.
In addition to releasing my own books and products, I also work as a writing partner and editor, and have the honor of working with exceptional clients.
As a writing partner, I help my clients write powerful books that change readers’ lives. Some of these projects include Rich Relationships by Selena Soo (USA Today bestseller, winner of the Gold Medal in the Readers’ Favorite Book Awards for the nonfiction/marketing category), Unicorn Team by Jen Kem (USA Today bestseller), We Should All Be Millionaires by Rachel Rodgers (Wall Street Journal bestseller), Your Next Level Life by Karen Arrington (NAACP Image Award winner, outstanding literary work), Ambitious Mother by Dr. Anne Welsh (featuring a Foreword by Robin Arzón, Vice President of Fitness Programming and Head Instructor at Peloton) and many more.
In addition to typing away on my computer, I also lead writing retreats in Hawaii once or twice a year, which I greatly enjoy.
I don’t have millions of readers or followers. I don’t run an eight-figure company (however, congratulations to those who do!). But I have created a quiet, meaningful, and prosperous career that I love. I get to work in my beautiful office, surrounded by books and plants, listening to my favorite music, working on projects that excite me, and making a difference in my own way.
Would I be in a “better” or “different” place today if I had stayed active on social media, and if I had poured time and energy into growing a large following there? Maybe. Maybe not. I am content with who I am and the work I am doing today, so … no regrets.
Recommended reading: Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport.
- Do you think social media is “bad”?
No, not necessarily. Just like a knife, social media is a tool, and is not inherently negative or positive.
I believe social media (just like TV, radio, email, and other forms of communication) can be used to do tremendous harm or tremendous good. It all depends on how you use it.
That said, social media was designed to be extremely compelling. It’s meant to hook you in, an alluring infinity pool that can keep you scrolling endlessly.
If you choose to use it, be mindful of this, and set appropriate limits and boundaries that work for you.
Recommended reading: Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life by Nir Eyal.
- If someone were thinking about changing their relationship with social media (or technology/screen time overall), what are the first steps you’d recommend?
Start small. Come up with one change you’d like to make. For instance, maybe you want to stop scrolling on your phone at bedtime.
Consider, “Why do I do this? What’s the ‘need’ that’s being expressed here?”
Maybe at bedtime, you’re craving a little treat, pleasure, fun, beauty, entertainment, or an escape from reality.
Ask yourself, “What are some beautiful alternatives that I could do instead of scrolling?”
Alternatives could be reading a page-turning novel, listening to a guided meditation, answering one question in your journal, sipping herbal tea in your favorite mug, doing wind-down stretches in your soft PJs, or anything else that provides some of the feelings you’re craving.
It’s often said that “behind every behavior is a need.” Try to identify the need you’re experiencing, which could be a need for connection, comfort, validation, reassurance, relief from boredom, or something else. What is an alternative way you could meet this need without reaching for a device?
Perfection is not required in order to make a positive shift in your life. Remember the 80-20 principle. If you avoid mindless scrolling 80% of the time and backslide into old habits 20%, you’re doing pretty great.
Although I no longer use social media, this doesn’t mean my relationship with technology is “perfect.”
Some days, I get lost in my inbox for an unreasonable length of time. Other days, I go down Internet rabbit holes (BuzzFeed tempts me, with her siren call!) and spend a whole hour clicking through photos of “which celebrity wore what” to a Hollywood award ceremony or listicles with “skincare tips for women over 40.” And some days, when I’m on a tight writing deadline, I might park myself in front of a screen for eight or even ten hours, typing furiously, until my eyes are strained and aching.
These things do happen. But nowadays, these occurrences are somewhat rare. They happen sometimes, but not daily. And for me, this has made a big difference.
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You may decide that social media doesn’t need to be a part of your life or career at this time. Great.
Or you might love social media, because it adds valuable connections and inspiration into your life. That’s great, too.
My intention is not to convince you to remain on social media or leave, but rather, to inspire you to approach life with even more curiosity. To ask new questions: “Do I really need to do X just because most people do?” “Could there be another way? “What else could be possible?”
Why not do a tiny experiment in your own life?
A digital experiment, wellness experiment, career experiment, or whatever you feel called to do.
Will the experiment lead to the results you’re hoping for?
What will happen?
There is only one way to find out—and that is simply to do it.
A Lesson From the Forest
“How old do you think this tree is?” the guide asked. “Anyone want to guess?”
I stared up at the towering rainbow eucalyptus, its bark streaked with otherworldly bands of green, purple, and maroon. It pierced the clouds above, rivulets of light from the afternoon sun filtering through its leaves.
Standing in a circle with our bamboo walking sticks, each person in the group took their best guess.
“300 years?” a young man in cargo pants ventured. “250?” a silver-haired woman chimed in. Others guessed 500, maybe 200, possibly 150.
The guide smiled.
“This tree—and this entire forest—are less than 50 years old.”
She explained that back in the early 1980s, the Kona Cloud Forest Sanctuary did not exist. The land we were standing on had been used for cattle ranching. Decades of overuse had left it ravaged, stripped, and bare. Devoid of any plants aside from raggedy patches of grass.
Then, a team of conservationists began a reforestation project, driven by an exciting question: how quickly could we create a thriving forest?
They chose fast-growing native trees and plants that would cooperate with one another rather than compete. Root systems that could interlock, plants holding hands with their neighbors, helping each other to grow faster.
Planting strategically, they created an environment with the perfect conditions for new life to flourish … fast. In just a couple of decades, the land has become unrecognizable.
Hearing this, I was stunned. As I gazed around the forest sanctuary—vast trees soaring a hundred feet in the air, thick vines, soft moss—it didn’t seem possible.
All of this grew from nothing? In less than 50 years? A blink of an eye.
My sister Olivia (left) and I (right) saying hello to the big eucalyptus tree.
The forest is not only beautiful. It has created new weather patterns.
The trees catch vapor rising from the ocean, forming clouds and mist, and the cool condensation drips down their trunks into the volcanic rock below, where the liquid filters back down towards the coast to begin the cycle anew.
Where there was previously only barren land and scorching sun, now, there is water.
As the tour ended, the guide said simply, “Thank you for visiting. We hope this forest has shown you that meaningful change is possible in your lifetime.”
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Certain kinds of changes take centuries, even lifetimes, to happen.
But sometimes, positive change can occur rapidly. Faster than we might think. Especially when people work together, rallying around a shared vision, and taking decisive, intentional action.
Time can bend in surprising ways, depending on our attitudes. When we ask, “How quickly could this happen? What could be possible?” we move fast. But when we assume, “This is going to take forever,” we move slowly. (Or not at all.)
What might be possible within your country, community, or family, in the span of your lifetime? Or in the next year? Month? Week? Before the end of today?
Today is not over yet.
My hope for humanity hasn’t run out yet, either.
Clear Space, Close Loops, Celebrate Wins: My End of the Year Ritual
Want to finish the year feeling calm, organized, and proud of yourself?
Try this end of the year ritual. It has 3 steps:
- Clear Space
- Close Loops
- Celebrate Wins
I do this every year. Simple yet powerful.
Clear Space
Free up space, in whatever way you need most. A few options:
- Unsubscribe from newsletters you no longer read (yes, even this one).
- Cancel subscriptions you haven’t used in an eternity.
- Clear clutter out of your surroundings. Sell. Donate. Discard.
- Do a calendar purge and remove appointments that don’t add anything meaningful to your life.
- If you are self-employed, look at your menu of offerings. Strip it down. Rather than doing a dozen things fairly well, do one or two things with excellence.
Close Loops
- Make a list of unresolved conversations. For instance, the client who wants to hire you but hasn’t officially committed, or anything else that feels like a loose end flapping in the breeze.
- Follow up with each person. Invite them to make a decision.
- Close the loop so that both of you can move on with your lives.
Sample message:
Hi [name],
I hope your holiday season is off to a great start.
During our last conversation, we talked about [project / package / offer / collaboration / etc]. Would you still like to proceed?
If so, great!
If things have changed and you’re no longer interested, no problem.
Either way, let me know, so that I can plan accordingly.
If possible, let me know your decision by [date] because I’m starting my winter break soon. Thank you.
PS. Because you’re working on [goal] right now, I think you’ll love this: [link to an article, podcast, book, music playlist, or something else that this person will appreciate]
Celebrate Wins
- Make a list of wins from the last year.
- Big wins. Tiny wins. Professional wins. Personal wins. Financial wins. Results you secured for your clients. Important decisions you made. Anything you are proud of.
- Read the list. Remember who you are and what you’ve done.
Extra credit: next to each win, write down someone who helped make this victory possible. Send a thank you note to each person.
Sample message:
This year, one of my favorite wins was [describe the victory]. You played an important role in making this happen. Thank you for adding [incredible quality] to my life.
Clear space. Close loops. Celebrate wins.
Do this to wrap up the year with peace, completion, and pride.
-Alex
The Letter: A True Story
I was laying on the floor of my office. Head on the rug. Legs up the wall.
I poised my phone awkwardly above my face, giving Robert a not-especially-flattering view of my chin on our video call.
“I’m not doing so great,” I told him, a tight and creaky feeling in my chest.
“What’s going on, friend?” he asked.
This was August 2024. I explained that 2024 had been one of the most demanding years of my life and my tank was running extremely low. I felt exhausted and mentally foggy. Things that normally excited me felt dull and uninspiring.
It wasn’t due to one thing. It was all the things, piled up on top of each other.
Working full-time while caring for an infant. Sleep deprivation. Postpartum mental health challenges. The pressure of being the sole financial breadwinner for my household. The added challenge of caregiving for a loved one who was battling cancer.
Although I felt proud to be a business owner, wife, mom, and care provider, the combined weight was a lot to carry.
On especially bad days, I felt the pressure physically. Ropey cords in my neck and shoulders, hard like metal. Gnarled lumps in my stomach. Invisible hands tightening around my throat.
“Okay my love,” Robert said, after listening to my sniffly recap. “Here’s what we’re going to do…”
I listened, nose snuffly, eyes stinging with tears.
“First,” said Robert, “What is your final workday of the year going to be? The last day before you start your winter holiday?”
“Probably December 20th,” I said weakly, making a mental checklist of the millions of things I needed to accomplish before the end of the year.
“No,” he responded sternly, “December 1st.”
December 1st? I perked up, imagining the possibility of taking a month-long holiday break at the end of the year. Could I find a way to pull that off?
“Here’s your assignment…” he continued. “You’re going to write a letter as if it’s December 1st. In your letter, describe all the beautiful things that happened over the last 100 days. The goals you hit. The clients you served. The impact you made. The way you showed up with grace and love for your family. The therapist you hired. How proud you feel. Write it down like you’re giving a recap of what happened.”
“Then,” he added, “Read this letter to yourself out loud, every morning, for the next 100 days. Speak it into existence.”
I told him I would do exactly that.
I wrote my letter that same day and read it to myself the next morning. And the next. And the next.
Reading the letter became my new daily ritual. It quieted the noise in my head and sharpened my concentration.
Each time I read it, I felt a powerful sensation—a honing, a taut feeling, like an archer pulling back her bow and taking aim, right at the bullseye. This is who I am. These are my priorities. This is what I am celebrating on December 1st.
Every day, the letter reminded me where to focus my attention and which actions to take.
My final official workday of the year ended up being December 7th, not 1st. There were a few mornings that I forgot to read the letter and ended up skipping that day. A few projects never got finished. Even though I didn’t do things “perfectly,” the magic of the 100 Day Letter still worked.
Almost every single item in my letter came true. Plus a few miracles I never could have predicted.
Pick a date in the future. Maybe 1 year from now. Or 100 days from now. 30 days. Or 10.
What do you want to be celebrating on that day?
Write a letter as if it has already happened.
Read your letter every single day.
Take action to bring your words to life.
So much can change in 100 days, or for that matter, 10 days or 10 hours. You can create a dramatic turnaround in your life in August or October or December, any time of year, any time of day.
Today is not over yet. There is still time to create whatever shift you’re hoping to make. You already know this. But sometimes, you just need a friend to remind you.
Robert was that friend for me. Perhaps today, I can be that friend for you.
100 Day Letter Instructions
Write a letter as if it’s 100 days from now.
This can be a letter to a friend, family member, mentor, coach, or a letterto yourself.
Describe all the wonderful things that unfolded (personally, professionally, or both) during the last 100 days.
Write as if everything already happened and you’re giving a recap.
Template
Dear [Name],
Today is [insert future date – for example, Friday, January 9, 2026].
As I write this letter, I am surrounded by ______, feeling ______, and celebrating ______.
The last 100 days have been incredibly beautiful. Here’s what happened:
I promised myself that I would ______ and I kept that promise.
Even though it was challenging at times, I stayed focused and completed ______.
I poured into others and did acts of generosity including ______.
I feel so blessed and grateful that ______ happened.
Looking back over the last 100 days, I feel proud of myself because ______.
I can’t wait to see what unfolds in the days ahead! This moment is sweet and victorious. And, the best is yet to come.
After Writing Your Letter…
Share your letter with (at least) one person that you trust. Tell them, “This is my vision for the next 100 days. Thank you for supporting me as I work to make this a reality.”
Read your letter to yourself, out loud, every morning, for the next 100 days in a row. Speak it into existence.
Let this letter be a daily reminder of your priorities and the actions you need to take.
If you forget to read your letter 100 days in a row and skip some days, no problem. Reading 20 times is better than 10. Reading 10 times is better than 0. It all helps. Perfection is not required for success.
Words are powerful.
And, words combined with action make us unstoppable.