Three rules for a sexy, successful relationship. [grown ups only. kids: avert your eyes]

– This post contains mature language for mature humans who can handle conversations about genitals. You have been advised. –

During a long drive down a winding Oregonian road, my boyfriend Brandon and I came up with three guidelines for a sexy, successful relationship. Our eyes widened and we both had an “Ohhhh my god!” moment. We realized that we needed to share these rules with the ENTIRE WORLD right away.

Today is the day.

Want to be an incredible partner?

Want to create the kind of relationship that inspires poems and ballads?

Want to build a partnership that can go the distance?

Three rules:

When it comes to interacting with your partner…

1. Make their life easier.

(Not harder.)

2. Make their world bigger.

(Expose them to new experiences, treats, pleasures, ideas, adventures.)

3. Make their dick harder / pussy wetter.

(Self explanatory.)

That is all.

These rules are extremely simple. But “simple” does not necessarily mean “easy.” Deadlifting is an extremely “simple” physical motion (lean over, grab weight, keep core tight and back straight, stand up!) but it’s definitely not “easy” to perform. Effort is required.

The lesson that I am learning, right now, is that sometimes one person in the relationship needs to “carry the weight” of a particular responsibility more than the other — at least for a temporary span of time. Conditions change. You must adapt.

Last month, after getting surgery to fix my broken fibula, Brandon spent a huge amount of energy making my life easier (getting groceries, sweeping, setting up systems around the apartment so that I didn’t need to hobble around too much or spill coffee on myself, driving me to doctor’s appointments, comforting me when I was crying and writhing around in pain). He was an angel of mercy at a time when I was definitely not “at my best.”

But this month, Brandon is working insanely long shifts to help open a brand new restaurant. Long days and nights in the kitchen, oil flying, knives chopping, flames burning, chaotic like a swarthy pirate ship. He comes home and he is exhausted. Now it is my turn to make his life easier. This means letting him flop down or go directly to sleep if he needs to, having his favorite snacks on hand, and basically… leaving him completely alone.

I had a minor meltdown last night (“Why is he so tired? Why doesn’t he want to play with meeee? Is it going to be like this forevvver?”) but then I remembered: “Rule #1. Make his life easier. That is what he needs most right now.”

That realization helped me to get back on track and behave like a loving, supportive partner, instead of a needy, whiny energy vampire.

What do YOU believe is required in order to create a sexy, successful relationship?

Write down your personal rules or policies and keep them close to your heart.

Review them often. (They’re easy to forget.)

Keep it simple.

Make the effort.

Love is worth it.