Good Question: How can I get back in touch with my sexy, sensual side?

Dear Alex,
Perhaps it’s because I’m nearing my Saturn Return. Maybe it’s because things in my life have been a bit serious, lately. But, to be honest: I’m not just feeling like my usual sexy self.
Any tips on turning up the heat and getting back in touch with your sensual side?

Hey Amelia,

Right now, at this moment, I have a pile of postcards and letters sitting on my desk — birthday wishes, holiday cards and kind words from people all over the world.

Normally, when I receive a note in the mail, I write a response to the sender — right away.

I say, “thank you for writing.” I ask, “how are you?” I reciprocate the gesture. I keep in touch.

To me, this is the polite, respectful thing to do. It feels good to pop a response into the mail. I love it! After all, writing letters is one of my favorite things to do. (Usually.)

But lately? It’s been different. I’ve been so “busy” that “keeping in touch” just hasn’t been… happening.

I could “blame” the 17-city workshop tour (that I chose)… the packed client calendar (that I created)… friends and relatives who needed my support (which I voluntarily gave)… the book projects I needed to finish (my timeline, my call)… the new website I just launched (ditto)… moving to a new apartment (also, my choice)… and so on.

The simple reality is this:

I created a year that made it difficult for me to “keep in touch.” Even though it’s important to me. Even though it’s something I love, deeply.

I suspect that something similar is happening for you, Amelia.

If you take a close look at your life, right now, I’ll bet that you’ve set it up in a way that’s making it difficult for you to feel those sexy feelings.

Are you plugged into your computer too much? Over-working, leaving no time for connection and play? Sleeping with your phone tucked under your pillow? “Too busy” to take a twenty-minute bath? “Too distracted” to masturbate?

These might seem like silly questions, but they are significant.

When there’s something you love & want — that just isn’t “happening” — it’s usually because the architecture of your life is contradictory to your desire.

My advice is:

Re-architect your day so that “sensuality” and “sex” (however you define them) are treated as two of your most precious priorities. (Not your lowest priorities.)


See a doctor to make sure your body is OK. Talk to a sex & intimacy expert or a psychologist, if it feels helpful. Buy some new panties. And listen to this song. It will help.

“Action expresses priorities.” –Mahatma Gandhi

Good Question is an advice column about writing, communication, creativity, and how to be a decent human being in a complicated world. Looking for past columns? Go here.