Infinite Versions of Success

Years ago, a woman named Andrea reached out and asked if I could help her write a book.

“Tell me more about what you are envisioning,” I said. “What type of book?”

She explained that her book wasn’t the conventional kind. It wouldn’t be sold on Amazon or sit on the shelf at Barnes & Noble.

Because this book was intended for just five readers: her children.

“I want to create a book of wisdom from my life,” she told me. “Things that have happened to me, lessons I’ve learned the hard way, and ideas I want my kids to carry with them.”

“I’ll print five copies,” she continued. “On each child’s 18th birthday, I’ll give them their book, along with an audiobook I’ve recorded. That way, years from now, when I’m no longer alive, they’ll still have my voice with them—always.”

Tears in my eyes, I said, “I would be honored to help you create this.”

When I begin working with a new client, one of the first questions I ask is, “When it comes to this particular project, what does success mean for you?” I invite them to define it on their own terms.

For Andrea, success meant finishing the project rather than putting it off indefinitely, enjoying the process, and creating a keepsake for her children.

Fiona defined success differently: “I don’t care too much about book sales,” she explained, adding, “I want to donate 100 copies to hospitals, clinics, schools, and libraries. If I can change—or save—even one life, that’s success to me.”

Jen’s version of success sounded like this: “I want to hit a major bestseller list, one with prestige and gravitas. Mainstream visibility matters to me, because it opens doors for other women authors—especially women of color.”

Three very different—and equally beautiful—versions of success.

All three of these clients accomplished precisely what they intended to do.

What does it mean to be “successful”? It means whatever you decide.

Are you a successful author? An excellent leader? A good parent?

In the past, I often chased goals relentlessly without pausing to consider, “What does success mean to me personally?”

Instead, I sprinted after someone else’s version of success—hustling to amass more social media followers, pitching myself to appear on morning TV talk shows, changing my business model, pricing, or marketing approach to match what my colleagues were doing—and even after accomplishing the feat, it only resulted in exhaustion, an empty-feeling spirit, and an even emptier bank account. It’s not that any of these endeavors aren’t right—it’s just that they weren’t right for me.

Other times, I made my definition of success unnecessarily complicated—with too many different goals—and wound up spread thin, spinning in circles, expending tons of energy and getting pretty much nowhere. (It’s difficult to aim your arrow at sixteen different bullseyes all at once.)

And sometimes, I hesitated to admit what I really wanted—holding back from saying, “I want to get a book deal with one of the top publishers in the world,” “I want to earn a lot more money,” or even, “Actually, if I’m being honest, I would like to get married one day,”—downplaying my hopes because it felt safer to pretend I didn’t care about these things. Easier to feign that these “didn’t matter,” shielding myself from potential disappointment.

Gradually, I am learning how to define success in specific, personal language that rings true for me, with rightness and resonance, like the clearest bell.

An invitation for myself, my clients, and you:

• Consider a project you want to do (book, podcast, etc.) or a role you have in life (service provider, mom, etc.)
• For this project or role, decide what success means to you.
• Write down your definition. Try to keep it brief and uncomplicated. Think: a sentence or two.
• Read it back and ask: “Is this really what I want to achieve? Or am I shrinking or inflating my desires based on societal expectations, or due to limiting beliefs about myself and what I am capable of?”
• Consider how this definition feels physically in your body. Does it bring tears to your eyes because you know it’s true, and this is the first time you have admitted what you want? Cause tingles of nervous excitement? Feel blasé or boring? Tight or constricting?
• Adjust your definition if needed.
• If it’s helpful, create your primary definition of success (what matters most) and your secondary definition (not essential, but would be lovely—if this happens, it’s a cherry on top).

Once you have defined success, go after it with the understanding that the vision may evolve over time. What success looks like at 42 may differ from what it meant half a lifetime ago at 21.

Research tells us that feeling successful can boost our well-being. When people feel effective, capable, and competent, they’re more motivated to tackle new endeavors and keep growing and improving. I have certainly noticed this in my own life: the more I feel like I am winning, the more determination and vigor I bring to my goals, and the more wins I stack up.

When you can sigh with satisfaction at the end of a long journey and say, “I set a clear intention. I did what I set out to do. I am truly proud of myself,” it’s an incredibly positive feeling. But you can’t access this emotion unless you know what success means in the first place.

What does it mean to you?