I Quit Social Media 10 Years Ago.
Ten years ago, I deleted all of my social media accounts. Facebook. Instagram. Twitter (now X). Plus a few platforms that no longer exist. (Remember Vine?)
Initially, I never intended to quit social media entirely. It all started with a tiny experiment: a three-month break from social media over the summer. Just a temporary pause.
I told myself, “I will step away for a few months and see how it goes. Will I miss it? Feel disconnected from my friends? Will there be a negative impact on my career? Fewer clients? Lower sales? I don’t know. But there’s only one way to find out. I have to try it and see.”
During my social media sabbatical, I noticed that my mind felt less cluttered. My concentration improved. It felt easier to lock into a focused flow state at work and get big projects done.
I found myself engaging with the world in a different way, noticing the small details around me (light filtering through the trees, the sound of birds, the cool air on my skin) rather than staring down at my phone so much of the time, oblivious to my surroundings. Overall, I felt less distracted and more creative.
When the summer ended, I realized, “I like how this change feels. I don’t have any particular desire to return to social media.”
So, I didn’t.
That was a decade ago.
Since then, I’ve been asked a lot of questions about this choice, including:
- What prompted you to quit social media? (Was there a particular experience that led to this decision?)
- If you don’t use social media, how do you stay connected with colleagues and friends?
- How do you stay on top of the news?
- How do you find clients? Sell spots for your writing retreats? Sell books? (Isn’t building a social media following a ‘must-do’ for entrepreneurs?)
- Do you ever miss it?
- Do you think social media is “bad”?
- Do you think your decision to leave social media has “held back” your career in some way? Would you be more successful today if you had stayed?
- If someone were thinking about changing their relationship with social media (or technology / screen time overall), what are the first steps you’d recommend?
Below, I answer all of these questions.
I hope that hearing my story is interesting and thought-provoking, and that it inspires you to consider what kinds of changes you’d like to make in your own life or career.
- What prompted you to quit social media? (Was there a particular experience that led to this decision?)
It was a variety of factors, not just one.
Mainly, I felt concerned that I was spending an excessive amount of time on social media. Time that might be better spent rolling out my yoga mat, connecting with nature, spending quality time with my loved ones, honing my professional skills, writing my next novel, and so on.
Excessive scrolling was taking a toll on my mental health. I often felt distracted, mentally cluttered, and fatigued, and was having OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) flare-ups. Strong compulsions to do ritualistic behaviors (like checking my front doorknob 20 times in a row to confirm that it was locked, walking to my car, getting in, then returning to the door to check it “just one more time”) which degraded my quality of life and made my world smaller and more limited.
I recall thinking, “I wish I could shampoo my brain and rinse away all the debris that has accumulated over time.” I was craving fresh energy. A reset.
On top of that, I had a series of experiences in my professional life that left me feeling violated and exhausted.
A scammer impersonated me, creating a fake website using my content which they had copy-pasted directly from my site, and photographs of me. I contacted the appropriate authorities and was able to get the fake site taken down.
But then, shortly after that, another scammer pretended to be me, this time using my name and photo to set up a “donation page” for an online fundraiser, raising funds for (what I can only presume was) a fake charity organization. I didn’t even know this was happening until a colleague reached out to ask, “Hey, are you aware of this?” and alerted me to the issue.
To cap it all off, I had also been dealing with a blog reader who exhibited stalker-like behavior, sending me their artwork featuring portraits of me. My gut sensed that something was “off,” but I told myself, “Well, maybe this person is just a big fan of my writing.” Gradually, things escalated, and this individual began searching to find my family members’ and clients’ contact information online, and started emailing them repeatedly. I began to worry about the volume of information about me that was readily available online, and how this might impact my safety and others in my life.
I am not a famous influencer or celebrity, but due to my modest following and presence online, some very unsettling things were happening.
After going through all of this, I needed a break from the Internet.
I wanted to reclaim my privacy and sense of safety. Taking three months off, away from social media, felt like a good start. Three months turned into six, then twelve, then a decade.
Recommended reading: Brain Wash: Detox Your Mind for Clearer Thinking, Deeper Relationships, and Lasting Happiness by David and Austin Perlmutter.
- If you don’t use social media, how do you stay connected with colleagues and friends?
I text and send quick emails to check in with my clients and colleagues periodically.
I love sending audio messages using Voxer. I often send birthday gifts via snail mail.
I put important dates into my calendar, such as a colleague’s book release date, or 10-year business anniversary, to remind myself to reach out and celebrate this milestone with them.
From time to time, I invite one or two colleagues to fly to my hometown for a “work-cation.” Free of charge. I provide accommodation and meals. All they have to do is show up. It’s kinda like a vacation, with long walks, beach time, and hot tubbing at sunset with a mocktail in hand, except we also discuss our professional goals and do some coworking together.
These work-cations provide an opportunity to deepen some of my most important professional relationships … without having to get on a flight and leave home. (Because I live on a remote island and have a toddler, I love when people travel to me.)
In terms of non-work-related friendships, I’m part of a local book club which is always the highlight of my month, and meet up regularly with friends and fellow parents for kids’ playdates, music circle, and story time at the public library. For me, these connections feel more enriching than scrolling and posting.
Recommended reading: Rich Relationships: Create a Million-Dollar Network for Your Business by Selena Soo.
- How do you stay on top of the news?
I read newspapers and listen to podcasts.
I am intentional about seeking out content (podcasts, audiobooks, and beyond) from creators who aren’t “exactly like me” so that I can get glimpses into other realities, identities, and experiences in our world.
I talk to people in my local community (and wider network, including people who live in other states or countries) to find out their actual, lived experiences, so that I’m getting “the news” directly from people who are living through it.
Because I don’t stay on top of the news every day, sometimes, I do miss out on a breaking news story, or find out about something a day or two (or even three) after it has happened. I am okay with this. I believe it’s possible to be an informed citizen, and make a positive contribution to the world, without reading the latest headlines every single day of your life.
Recommended reading: Life As a Daymaker: How to Change the World by Simply Making Someone’s Day by David Wagner.
- How do you find clients? Sell spots for your writing retreats? Sell books?
Great question! I wrote an article on this topic, breaking down exactly how I do it. Enjoy.
Recommended reading: you might also enjoy my article called “20 Ways To Find Clients And Customers Without Using Social Media.”
- Do you ever miss social media?
Nope.
When I decided to step away, I missed the quick dopamine hit that can come from posting and receiving positive comments, likes, hearts, etc. But after a couple of weeks, I didn’t miss it anymore. These days, I rarely think about social media at all.
Recommended reading: The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo.
- Do you think your decision to leave social media has “held back” your career in some way? Would you be more successful today if you had stayed?
This depends on how one defines “success.”
I am proud of the career that I have today. I’ve written and created more than 10 books, journals, and card decks, and get to collaborate with wonderful publishers including Penguin Random House, Chronicle, and Hachette.
A few of my career highlights include Our Q&A a Day: a 3-Year Journal for Couples (part of the bestselling Q&A a Day collection of journals, with over 2.5 million sold), The Bibliophile Oracle Deck (a beautiful illustrated card deck for book lovers), and Awestruck (a journal dedicated to finding tiny moments of awe in your everyday life).
Some of my projects have been very strong sellers. Some have not. But I love each and every product that I’ve ever created.
In addition to releasing my own books and products, I also work as a writing partner and editor, and have the honor of working with exceptional clients.
As a writing partner, I help my clients write powerful books that change readers’ lives. Some of these projects include Rich Relationships by Selena Soo (USA Today bestseller, winner of the Gold Medal in the Readers’ Favorite Book Awards for the nonfiction/marketing category), Unicorn Team by Jen Kem (USA Today bestseller), We Should All Be Millionaires by Rachel Rodgers (Wall Street Journal bestseller), Your Next Level Life by Karen Arrington (NAACP Image Award winner, outstanding literary work), Ambitious Mother by Dr. Anne Welsh (featuring a Foreword by Robin Arzón, Vice President of Fitness Programming and Head Instructor at Peloton) and many more.
In addition to typing away on my computer, I also lead writing retreats in Hawaii once or twice a year, which I greatly enjoy.
I don’t have millions of readers or followers. I don’t run an eight-figure company (however, congratulations to those who do!). But I have created a quiet, meaningful, and prosperous career that I love. I get to work in my beautiful office, surrounded by books and plants, listening to my favorite music, working on projects that excite me, and making a difference in my own way.
Would I be in a “better” or “different” place today if I had stayed active on social media, and if I had poured time and energy into growing a large following there? Maybe. Maybe not. I am content with who I am and the work I am doing today, so … no regrets.
Recommended reading: Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World by Cal Newport.
- Do you think social media is “bad”?
No, not necessarily. Just like a knife, social media is a tool, and is not inherently negative or positive.
I believe social media (just like TV, radio, email, and other forms of communication) can be used to do tremendous harm or tremendous good. It all depends on how you use it.
That said, social media was designed to be extremely compelling. It’s meant to hook you in, an alluring infinity pool that can keep you scrolling endlessly.
If you choose to use it, be mindful of this, and set appropriate limits and boundaries that work for you.
Recommended reading: Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life by Nir Eyal.
- If someone were thinking about changing their relationship with social media (or technology/screen time overall), what are the first steps you’d recommend?
Start small. Come up with one change you’d like to make. For instance, maybe you want to stop scrolling on your phone at bedtime.
Consider, “Why do I do this? What’s the ‘need’ that’s being expressed here?”
Maybe at bedtime, you’re craving a little treat, pleasure, fun, beauty, entertainment, or an escape from reality.
Ask yourself, “What are some beautiful alternatives that I could do instead of scrolling?”
Alternatives could be reading a page-turning novel, listening to a guided meditation, answering one question in your journal, sipping herbal tea in your favorite mug, doing wind-down stretches in your soft PJs, or anything else that provides some of the feelings you’re craving.
It’s often said that “behind every behavior is a need.” Try to identify the need you’re experiencing, which could be a need for connection, comfort, validation, reassurance, relief from boredom, or something else. What is an alternative way you could meet this need without reaching for a device?
Perfection is not required in order to make a positive shift in your life. Remember the 80-20 principle. If you avoid mindless scrolling 80% of the time and backslide into old habits 20%, you’re doing pretty great.
Although I no longer use social media, this doesn’t mean my relationship with technology is “perfect.”
Some days, I get lost in my inbox for an unreasonable length of time. Other days, I go down Internet rabbit holes (BuzzFeed tempts me, with her siren call!) and spend a whole hour clicking through photos of “which celebrity wore what” to a Hollywood award ceremony or listicles with “skincare tips for women over 40.” And some days, when I’m on a tight writing deadline, I might park myself in front of a screen for eight or even ten hours, typing furiously, until my eyes are strained and aching.
These things do happen. But nowadays, these occurrences are somewhat rare. They happen sometimes, but not daily. And for me, this has made a big difference.
* * *
You may decide that social media doesn’t need to be a part of your life or career at this time. Great.
Or you might love social media, because it adds valuable connections and inspiration into your life. That’s great, too.
My intention is not to convince you to remain on social media or leave, but rather, to inspire you to approach life with even more curiosity. To ask new questions: “Do I really need to do X just because most people do?” “Could there be another way? “What else could be possible?”
Why not do a tiny experiment in your own life?
A digital experiment, wellness experiment, career experiment, or whatever you feel called to do.
Will the experiment lead to the results you’re hoping for?
What will happen?
There is only one way to find out—and that is simply to do it.