Who is living your dream?

 
 
 

Dinner was in just a few minutes and I was mentally preparing myself to feel… miserable.

“I’m so excited to introduce you to my favorite writer,” my friend gushed. “She’s a New York Times bestselling author and she’s so smart and funny and you’re just going to loooove her!”

Internally, I thought to myself, “New York Times bestselling author? I’m sure she’s amazing… and, I’m sure I’m going to feel puny and insignificant and jealous and then hate myself for feeling that way, and… and… ugh.”

I took a breath and trotted over to the table.

And there, I was surprised to discover…

Nope. Not jealous.
 

Ms. New York Times was smart, funny and absolutely lovable, as promised. We had a delightful conversation that spanned all kinds of topics. I learned about her life. She learned about mine. We hugged and promised to have sleepover parties and stuff.

As I walked away, I had a delayed reaction epiphany:

“Huh. I’m not jealous of her talent & success… because she’s not living my dream.”
 

I always assumed that becoming a New York Times bestseller was my dream.

Isn’t that what every author is supposed to want?

Isn’t that my ultimate goal? Apparently not.

This realization left me… stupefied.

If that’s not my dream…

Then what is?
 

I began to reflect on the last couple of times that I felt… intensely jealous.

: Meeting Master Phil, a seventh degree black belt martial artist. Why? I’m jealous of his discipline, mastery and devotion.

: Having a beachside picnic with my friend Nicole, who is training to run across America. Why? I’m jealous of her discipline, mastery and devotion.

: Hanging out with my friend & client Susan, who wakes up at 5am every morning to hit a Crossfit class before starting her work for the day. Why? I’m jealous of her… you get the idea.
 

There’s a head-slammingly obvious lesson here:

Jealousy can be a teacher if you lean in… close.

And if you’re willing to feel it, explore it and hunt for the patterns.

The root of the word “jealousy” is actually an Old French word, jalousie, meaning “enthusiasm, love, longing”.

(How beautiful is that?)
 

Pay attention to the people who make you feel that kind of “enthusiastic longing”.

They might not be the people that you’d expect. They might not work in your industry. They might not look or live like you.

It could be Oprah. It could be Obama. Or it could be that lady who sits on the bus stop outside your apartment every morning, cackling with unbridled happiness.

Feel the longing, sharp as it may be.

It’s there…

To show you who you are meant to be.

xo.

PS. Who is living your dream?

What is it about them that inspires such “longing” in you?

 
 
 

Read More devotion // liberty

GOOD QUESTION: I am hopelessly in love with someone who is not available. Now what?

 
 
 

Dear Alex,

I am hopelessly and deeply in love with my colleague. He is the most kind, gorgeous and fantastic human being. We have fun together and click in every way possible.

BUT… he is in a long-term relationship and he just became a dad.

I suspect he is not super happy in his relationship, but he never talks badly about her and he isn’t a flirt (although in passing, he has said some innocent things about me being clever, beautiful and fun).

I really don’t want to start any drama, and I really don’t want to be a home wrecker.

I also really don’t want to quit my job as it is an amazing opportunity for me. But I suspect I might explode soon. What do I do?!

–[Please Withhold My Name]

 
 

Oh, sweetheart.

I remember a time in my life when I became obsessed with a colleague at work, just like you.

She was beautiful. She was witty. She was smart as a whip. She looked amazing in jeans, and in a satin dress.

She was also… not gay, bi-sexual or even remotely interested in dating women.

She was also… already dating somebody else.

In other words: she was NOT available for me to love, in the way that I wanted.

It was crushing. It was so! un! fair! Despite everything, I still fantasized about her and what “our life” together might be like.

I marveled at our “undeniable chemistry”. I blushed whenever she gave me a compliment. I read into the “deeper meaning” when she invited me over to her home for a group potluck. I analyzed every line of every email she sent me. (“The meeting has been extended from thirty minutes to forty-five, you say…? That means she wants to spend more time with me! I knew it!”)

I made up a lot of dramatic, exciting stories about “us”. Stories that may or may not have been true (most likely, not). All the while, I was distracting myself from seeking a relationship with someone who could actually love me, treasure me, and build a life with me.

Finally, I realized that my colleague was never going to “leave these wretched cubicles behind and run away with me”.

I re-opened my heart, saying to the universe:

“Now, I am ready. Bring me love. The kind that flows from both sides.”

Many years later… I found it.

Let me tell you, true love — the kind that flows from both sides, with no impediments — is infinitely sweeter than crushing on someone who is not available.

If you peel your attention away from this unavailable guy-who-just-became-a-dad… and re-open your heart to the world… leaning into the possibility of “this, or something better”… you will have a much better chance at finding that kind of love.

 

“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”
–David Viscott

 

As Viscott reminds us, the answer is simple:

Love. Be loved. Feel the sun from both sides.

Anything less… is a waste of your time.

xo.

PS. Read this if you’re ever feeling unwanted & rejected. There’s always something better… waiting.

 
 
 

Read More good question

Got a nude photo shoot coming up? (Who doesn’t?) My tips on how to feel brave, strong & sexy.

 
 
 

oh hi

(Photo by Danielle, of course. Nope. You don’t get to see the rest.)

 
 
 

It’s not every day that a master photographer (who also happens to be an energy worker and healer) says to you:
 

“I’d love to photograph you. Buck naked.”
 

OK, maybe those weren’t her exact words. But when Danielle Cohen asked if we could do a nude boudoir photo session together, I knew my answer was:
 

“YES.”
 

It was scary. It was weird. It was silly. It was sexy.

It shed a light on my strengths, as well as my insecurities.

Would I do it again? Absolutely.

Did I learn some things? Most definitely.

If you’re doing a nude shoot…
 

Here are my tips on how to feel brave, strong & sexy:
 

: You will be nervous. Breathe. As a smart man once said, “Fear is excitement… without the breath.”
 

: Get your hair done. Make up, too. It’s all part of the experience & you’ll be glad that you did.
 

: Think about someone who loves you when you look into the camera. (That “someone” can be a partner, a spouse, or maybe even… you.)
 

: Get a silk kimono robe. Or four. It’s just a good idea.
 

: Focus on how you want to feel (“luxurious, playful, fierce”) rather than how you want to look.
 

: Laugh. Especially when your neighbor flings open his curtains at exactly the wrong moment, staring straight into your bedroom while you’re writhing around in satin sheets. Oops.
 

: Get a big fan. Windblown Beyoncé hair is really fun.
 

: Eat some flan. There is literally no reason for me to include this “tip”, other than the fact that “flan” rhymes with “fan” and it makes me happy to say those words out loud. Fan. Flan. Fan. Flan.
 

: Be yourself. If you’re a bubblegum pink lipstick kinda gal, rock it out. If you would rather die than slip on a pair of stilettos, don’t.

You always look your best when you’re just being… you.
 

: Be stronger than you think you are. Don’t let the vicious, critical, negative voices win.

If you’ve made an appointment to get photographed, don’t flake out two days before it’s scheduled to happen.

Even if you think you’re “not ready”. Even if you think you need to “tone your stomach” or “lose ten thousand pounds first” or whatever other nonsense pops into your head.

Keep the date. Let it happen. Savor it, in all of its scariness & weirdness & silliness & sexiness.

Feel your feelings. The pleasant ones & unpleasant ones, too. It’s all good for you. It will make you even stronger.

 

“It’s sexy and beautiful to be strong.”
–Lindsey Vonn

 

Oh, and if nude photography just isn’t your thing?

That’s perfectly cool.

After all…

 

“You don’t have to be naked to be sexy.”
–Nicole Kidman

 

Clothed, unclothed, in public, in private, or somewhere in between…

Go be you — and let yourself be seen.

xo.

 

PS. When was the last time you did something that made you feel brave & strong? Or maybe even… weird & silly?

Are you glad that you did it?

 
 
 

Read More creativity // inspiration

It’s not OK.

 
 
 

My friend was waiting patiently on the steps of my apartment, reading a book.

I was running late because I’d been working on a writing project that took longer than expected.

I rushed towards her, out of breath and anxious, spewing apologies for my tardiness.

She smiled and stood to hug me.

“It’s OK! Don’t worry about it.”

I appreciated her graciousness, but I shook my head.

“Actually… it’s not OK.”
 

Like many creative, driven people, I have a tendency to go “above and beyond” when it comes to my work — burning the midnight oil to add that “one final touch” to a project, or diving deep into a book that I’m writing, barely surfacing to breathe until it’s complete.

There’s nothing “wrong” with this tendency to over-deliver.

It’s one of the reasons I’ve become successful at my craft.

It’s one of the things I like best about myself.
 

Devotion is very sexy.

What’s NOT sexy is when my devotion swings out of balance.

I have plenty of devotion for my career and my clients, for example.

But when it comes to my friends, I find that I’m consistently running… just… a… little… bit… late.
 

For years, I’ve told myself things like, “Nobody’s perfect!” and “You’re still a great friend!” and “Be gentle with yourself!”

All of that is true.

But sometimes, it can be incredibly powerful to admit to yourself & others:

“Actually… it’s not OK.”
 

It’s not OK that I’m (almost) always a few minutes tardy when I’m meeting my friends.

It’s a small thing and yet it’s a big thing.

Even if they don’t really mind, I do.

Even if it’s OK with them, it’s not OK with me.

That’s not the kind of friend and human that I want to be.

But I’d never make a firm commitment to do better, without first beginning with those three uncomfortable words:

“It’s not OK.”

 

Honesty + devotion = progress.

And THAT… is definitely OK.

 

xo.

PS. What’s not OK with you?

 
 
 

Read More creativity // inspiration devotion // liberty

GOOD QUESTION: How can I protect my energy when I’m living with a partner who sees “problems” and “darkness” everywhere?

 
 
 

Dear Alex,

I have a man that I adore, and I’m so blessed.

But here’s the issue:

He watches the news 24/7, while I prefer to listen to classical music.

He is really emotionally involved in all the injustice in the world, while I choose to focus on what is going RIGHT rather than all that is going wrong.

I don’t want to change my sweet dude, because I respect who he is and I understand his passion.

But I want to learn how to protect my energy and stay “in the light” while living side by side with a hunky news junkie.

Any thoughts?

–Jeannette

 
 

Dear Jeannette,

Your question gripped me by the heart, because… I’ve been there.
 

I spent several years in a relationship with a man who did not share my exact worldview.

In fact, we were polar opposites, in many ways.

I saw business possibilities everywhere — he saw a system that oppresses workers and makes it difficult to flourish.

I saw nice people who want to help out — he saw selfish people, only looking out for themselves.

I saw a glamorous plane trip to NYC — he saw carbon emissions, wrecking our planet.

And so on.
 

There were days where I wanted to shake him and say, “Brighten up, already! Life is meant to be enjoyed!”

And there were days, I’m sure, where he wanted to shake me and say, “Open your goddamn eyes! Not everyone is as privileged as you!”

Neither of us were completely “right.” Neither of us were totally “wrong.”

And, for a time, we were very much in love.
 

How did we make it work?

By finding a peaceful equilibrium.

A place “in the middle” where we could co-exist.
 

He would vent his frustration about the latest global crisis. Then, to create balance, I’d say, “Tell me three things you’re grateful for.” (Or just remind myself, quietly, internally: “What he’s saying is true. But there are good, kind and generous people, too.”)
 

In the end, we weren’t meant to be together, forever. But for a while… this equilibrium worked.

My advice for you, Jeannette, is to find that kind of equilibrium with your husband, if you possibly can.
 

This might entail setting some new ground rules that both of you can agree upon.

Rules like:

1. No matter what happened today, we ALWAYS end the night on a positive note — by sharing one thing we’re grateful for and saying “I love you,” before bed.

2. News coverage is not permitted in the house after 8pm, because it disrupts our quality time and sleep. (We need to get good sleep, in order to have the energy to fight the good fight.)

3. The first Sunday of every month is Happy Day. From sunup to sundown, conversations about global epidemics are not permitted. But amazing sex totally… is.
 

I completely believe that you & your husband can strike a healthy balance, Jeannette. Especially because you clearly adore him (and I’m sure he’s bonkers about you, too.)
 

Together, you can be like the sun & the moon. Lightness & darkness.

Opposite powers, yet both equally necessary.

Working, together, for a better union…

… and a better world.

 

“Beyond our ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” –Rumi

 

xo.

PS. Do YOU have a friend or sweetheart whose worldview is radically different from your own? How do you deal with it?

 
 
 

Read More good question