Tomorrow is my 25th birfday. I’ll be honest — I’m totally freaked the f*ck out.

By 25, I thought I’d be madly in love with a wealthy older woman, possess perfectly clear skin that glowed like a moonbeam and have a career that thrilled me from head to toe. I thought I’d be sexy, confident and classy — the type of fierce female who flirts with wild abandon, yet still inspires trust and admiration. I thought I’d be a novelist. I thought I’d own a dog. I thought I’d wake up every morning feeling tickled pink … just to be me.

I don’t. And I’m not even close. But I’m working on it.

So while I’m working on it, why not make a list? Lists are always grand.

Inspired by Ms. Sarah Von, here’s my list of 26 Things To Do Before I’m 26*

{ 1 } Perform stand-up comedy at an open-mic night.

{ 2 } Spend a debauched weekend in New York City, bitch.

{ 3 } Visit the house my Swedish grandfather built (in Sweden).

{ 4 } Host an all-girls sleepover party at mah HOUSE! With movies and junk food and gosssssip!

{ 5 } Go to a live taping of a daytime TV show. Possible contenders: Oprah, Ellen, Tyra, Martha.

{ 6 } Have a one-night stand, sneak out of bed the next morning and leave a cute-but-cryptic note on the pillow. Teehee.

{ 7 } Go to one of those ridiculous 18+ mega-dance parties hosted by a Top-40 radio station (and score a free T-shirt).

{ 8 } Fly to Los Angeles (without telling anyone) and delight my parents with a surprise visit.

{ 9 } Enter a pie-baking contest and make them grannies WEEP!

{ 10 } Pick a month (any month) and lift weights every single day — just to see what happens (I’m guessing muscles).

{ 11 } Take a week-long Internet hiatus.

{ 12 } Meet my pseudo-celebrity gay hero, Jonny McGovern.

{ 13 } Meet my pseudo-celebrity comedy hero, Rich Fulcher.

{ 14 } Learn how to correctly apply false eyelashes.

{ 15 } Go to a comic book convention.

{ 16 } Tell my biggest secret.

{ 17 } Volunteer at a prison.

{ 18 } Go to Dinah Shore and (temporarily) lose my mother-effin’ mind in a swarm of drunk ladies.

{ 19 } Do a military-style pull-up.

{ 20 } Learn how to properly ride a fancy, multi-speed bike.

{ 21 } Develop a signature dance move.

{ 22 } Bust out like Robin Hood at an archery range.

{ 23 } Go to a Champions On Ice show. Preferably starring Michelle Kwan.

{ 24 } Get a custom-made vintage-style bathing suit (with matching cap).

{ 25 } Learn how to make a perfect vat of French Onion Soup.

{ 26 } Make a magical fort in my living room, and invite all my friends over for a tea party.

*And you best believe I’ll post a blog recap for each item. Aw yeah.

 
XO.